Where is joy?

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(20260519) The Lord has been working me over lately and I’m not sure if I’m thinking clearly or at odds with his will. I have lived a Catholic life (or tried) which has been dictated by three themes. Sin, Death, Hell. Like the king who lived with a sword hanging over his head held by a thin string, that to me is the vision of a Catholic life. Conceived and born in sin, stamped by original sin even before we are born, and destined to live looking over our shoulders, lest we fall into the pit. Trying doesn’t count because we are sinners in words, thoughts, and actions. That doesn’t leave any wiggle room. I keep thinking, is that the God I believe in? And my inmost being says no, even though I’ve spent my whole life with this struggle. I can’t even explain it well but have the following scenarios to clarify for me. They revolve around the idea of examination of conscience. 

Act 1. Consider a child coming home from school and sitting down with his father. The father says tell me about all the things you did wrong at school today. Did you talk back to the teacher? Did you get mad when your paper was marked down for its error? Did you kick the ball in anger when you missed the goal? Did you shove your friend when he got in your way? I’m sure there must more but tell me about the negative thoughts you had. Did you wish the teacher lost their voice when they asked the room to be quiet? Did you hope your friend would trip and fall when they beat you in the race? Did you hope the other team would get hurt when they beat your school? You need to tell me even more, surely there must be a lot of other things you did wrong today. We need to get them all out on the table so I can decide how much to punish you. And, by the way, when we get together tomorrow after school, I expect you to do better in counting and remembering all the things you did wrong. After all I’m your father and want just what’s best for you.

Act 2. Consider a child coming home from school and sitting down with his father. The father says tell me what you learned in school today. What were some of the things that made you feel good and helped you grow stronger and wiser? What were some of the things that didn’t go well today and made you think about ways to make it better? Who helped you when you struggled, and who did you help when you had a chance? What were the most important lessons you learned today and how can they help you do better tomorrow. If there are some areas that you have trouble with or don’t understand, tell me about them and we can sit down together, and I will help you work through them. I know that sometimes the day doesn’t go well, and when that happens you need to tell me so I can try and help because I’m your father and want what’s best for you.
My struggle (and maybe yours), is which act represents your Father(God). To me the first is the god of the church, and the second is the god of my heart.